How are you with remembering people’s names?
Working memory is one of my main ADHD executive functioning challenges, and though I have many strategies and tools to help with that, it’s interesting to me that a) having difficulty remembering names is actually very common, whether you have ADHD or not and b) though so many of us struggle with it, it’s also very common to feel realllllllly bad when it happens in real life.
I fricken LOVE when there are name tags at the function!
When put on the spot at a party or gathering, people do all kinds of sneaky things to try and find out the name of someone they think they’re supposed to remember but can’t. (Personally I love an event where there are name tags, because having that visual eliminates the problem altogether… but I digress…)
But when you think about it, if we can’t remember someone’s name, it’s probably not because we wanted to forget it. In fact, if we feel bad about not remembering, that’s probably a sign we really wish that we could. So when I can’t remember a name, that’s the position I take: I want to remember, and that comes from a place of appreciation and respect, and so that’s what I’m going with (it’s a lot more helpful than embarrassment.) In these moments, a certain phrase has become my go:
“Remind me of your name…”
I say this while leaning in slightly with a smile and a bit of humility showing that I am enjoying this conversation and even though my memory is failing me at that moment, I’m really looking forward to reuniting my brain with the knowledge of what to call the person I’m chatting with. The usual reply I get is something like:
Real-time footage from inside the author’s brain while trying to remember a name on the spot.
“It’s Alice - and I’m so glad you asked, I couldn’t remember yours either! What is it again?”
And now, we’re not only strangers no more, we have micro-bonded over the fact that names are hard to remember!
When you can’t remember a name, I think the main thing is to lead with the regard and respect you have for the other person regardless. That, and genuine curiosity. I might not be good at remembering names, but I do like to try (my curiosity even wants to know how to spell the name and pronounce them correctly… and, hot tip: sometimes this helps the memory along too!) After asking them to remind me, I usually tell them my reasoning: People’s names are important.
This resonates with people and makes an impression. Usually a very positive one, in my experience. Because now you have made the effort to open a door that, despite the conversation you’ve been having, had been shut between you. If you couldn't remember someone’s name and decided to stay afraid to ask, you wouldn't have that point of connection. You’d miss out. And they would too. They might wonder why you seem uncomfortable or hesitant, like you’re trying to avoid talking to them. And unless you can't remember their name and you’re actually trying to avoid talking to them, a little memory slip is kind of a silly reason for giving that impression.
I decided years ago to fully own my own shortcomings in the working memory department. (Cue my catchphrase: ‘Acceptance is a beautiful thing!’) That means that working memory challenges are a reason that I don’t remember well, but not an excuse: it’s up to me to keep trying to remember, and sometimes that means asking for help. Embracing this part of my ADHD and being open about it has helped me make a lot of genuinely good impressions, make people feel a lot more welcome than they might have felt before, and best of all, make many, many amazing friends. Thanks to the willingness to have one tiny moment of awkwardness, I can break down walls, open up doors, and create an even better connection.
So if you’re out and about this weekend and you run into someone whose name you can’t remember, feel free to give “remind me of your name” a spin after chatting a bit and see what happens. At the very least, don’t let your working memory hold you back from enjoying a conversation. You might even turn an acquaintance into a friend!
