In my work as an ADHD coach, I’ve noticed one particularly hard truth for many clients who are just starting out: Expecting your brain to work in ways that it’s not wired for is like trying to open your front door with your car key, or trying to bake a cake in your dishwasher.
(Sure, maybe eventually you’ll be able to get in that door, but you’re going to have a hell of a time doing it and may create more problems for yourself in the process. Why work against yourself like that?)
(And really… no matter how determined you are, insisting that your dishwasher can bake that cake because you find your oven confusing to operate is probably going to end up with frustrating, disappointing and very messy results. Wouldn’t you want to try learning how to use that oven instead?)
As we know, having an ADHD brain comes with traits (such as executive functioning difficulties) that present lifelong challenges. We can try to mask them, try to overcome them, and even shame ourselves about them, but they probably aren’t going away. What if, instead, we could choose a happier path with ADHD? What if we could figure out how to live with (and live better with) our ADHD traits?
This is part of why I love being an ADHD coach and am proud of the work I do with my clients. ADHD coaching helps you pinpoint how the ‘easy’ is hard (what do you struggle with that’s hard for non-ADHD brains to understand, such as time management, working memory, prioritizing, organization, etc?) and figure out where the breakdown happens. We investigate what’s happening in those moments, what’s there and what’s missing, and what your brain wiring is doing instead. We consider your strengths and how they might be used to make things work for you. This allows us to develop real strategies that actually fit your needs, rather than throwing random ‘tips and tricks’ at the issue and hoping something sticks. That only adds to the frustration (and more frustration is NOT what we’re going for!)
It’s amazing to hear how life changing coaching has been for my clients. To me, it is truly exciting work.
Living with an ADHD brain can be overwhelming to say the least. Working with an ADHD coach is like getting someone to help you look for that front door key, and be your teammate in figuring out how to work that oven like a champ (but on a much bigger, more life-changing scale.)
The value of good ADHD coaching is that, in the long run, it saves you time, energy, wellbeing, money, while leaving you with much more confidence, self-compassion, improved communication, and excitement for life. It helps you find the gaps, figure out how to bridge them, make informed decisions, recoup your energy, and build real plans and strategies you can be confident in. It supports your mental health because it can help you avoid a lot of the stress, frustration, shame, and discouragement that comes from living with ADHD and working against your brain in the first place. It’s an investment in yourself that can pay off exponentially by making the rest of your life a lot easier and more fulfilling.
I sometimes get asked about my approach to ADHD coaching, and I have to credit the great Dolly Parton for a beautiful shorthand that sums it up perfectly: “Know who you are and do it on purpose”. It’s a powerful reminder that I’ve kept framed in my office for over 20 years. Nowadays, I refer to it with clients all the time, and always get the same response, [usually preceded by a sigh of relief]: “Yes. I LOVE that.”
Dolly’s quote helped me learn to support my own brain when I got diagnosed with ADHD while entering into my middle-aged lady era. After almost 40 years on this planet, I was well aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. With a diagnosis, I could clearly see how ADHD is heavily involved in both. I had struggled, been judged, been frustrated, and lived many of my days in the realm of shame and doubt. I had seen the shame and doubt take a toll on my mental health time and time again. I realized I was tired of all that, the worthlessness of the shame, the pessimism, the approaches that didn’t work, and the absolute drain on my mental health. I decided I was done with voluntarily continuing down a path where my energy, my joy, my values, and my confidence were at constant threat of being robbed or destroyed. I thought to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit. I want to try a new approach.” I wanted to stop contributing to the narrative that something was wrong with me, and start assuming that there’s a lot that’s right with me first. I wanted to see if I could reclaim the time and energy it took to rebuild each time by choosing not to tear myself down in the first place. I decided to be in my own corner.
The process of accepting a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult is different for everyone. Some have a hard time with it, as they’ve only ever known ADHD as a “deficit disorder” (it’s not that, really) and need to grieve, and attend to healing from the past before figuring out how to move forward. Others might get curious and look at an ADHD diagnosis as a new world to explore, and a new chapter in life that comes with a new lens on who they are and how to keep growing and getting to know themselves. (I find this to be true for those of us who love learning and love a challenge.)
My ADHD diagnosis was like starting a new adventure with an accurate, if not very detailed, map. It turned what felt like a muddled mess into clearly defined puzzle pieces. As I saw it, it was now my job to fill in the details on the map, and to put those puzzle pieces together. And this actually felt possible, and felt much more fun and appealing than what I had been doing!
I didn’t know how it would go, but my grounding thought was: I’d like to be myself, and I’m pretty sure I can’t be anyone else. In order to do that, I’m going to have to show up and stand up for myself. I am so ready to give this a try.
I decided to start thinking about my brain differently. I stopped buying into the shame; that alone really made things so much easier, as I wasn’t holding myself back for worthless reasons. I worked with my own ADHD coach, and explored my brain’s abilities and struggles. In between sessions, I kept learning about ADHD while noticing that I had already been supporting my brain in many ways, and that many of my ‘quirks’ were actually very helpful accommodations. I recognized how I had learned over the years to turn some of my weaknesses into strengths, making things that worked better for others around me because they worked for my ADHD brain. I also came to realize that certain weaknesses may just be facts of my life, and that some tasks will likely never be “easy” for me like they are for ADHD-less brains. I worked with my coach to develop strategies to support my challenges with ADHD while staying committed to having respect and compassion for my brain; to work with it rather than against it.
I never expected that accepting my weaknesses and owning my ADHD challenges to be as empowering as it has been, or that it would make my life so much happier.
But it’s not really surprising, either. As a leader, I saw how hard it was for some leaders to acknowledge their weaknesses, who would firmly deny their struggles, who didn’t want to improve or grow in any way (afraid, it seemed, that it would somehow ruin everything for them.) I watched the strange, repeated performances of what they thought looked like perfection, and how uncomfortably miserable and lonely they seemed to be. I noticed that the people around them looked miserable too, and were often outright baffled at how hard it was to work with them, exchanging whispers of frustration while trying to find a way forward. The unspoken but glaringly obvious truth was that by denying their flaws to try and project only strength and perfection, these leaders actually made them seem less capable and trustworthy to those around them.
On the other hand, I had also gotten to work with leaders who accepted themselves and all their traits, flaws, difficulties, and differences. I saw how they presented these when appropriate, without shame or defensiveness, showing that they understood their weakness and, knowing it well, had not only accepted responsibility for it, but came prepared with strategies in place so it was managed, to keep things running smoothly. This meant that the fact that they a weakness never really translated into being a ‘sign of weakness’ because it was already taken care of, that clearly they had a handle on it, and thus, it was not that big a deal. They had developed self-awareness, self-understanding and self-compassion, and a clear sense of personal responsibility, curiosity, and desire for continuous improvement and growth and these were strengths that far outweighed any weaknesses they had. I saw that the strongest leaders, the ones who actually make a lasting impact, are the ones that would start by accepting the importance of collaborating with reality. And because they did, they were trusted and admired by others, and genuinely happier in their work.
That’s why, if asked whether I have a catchphrase, the answer would be yes, and it is “acceptance is a beautiful thing.” It’s the crucial first step to truly knowing yourself, being able to find out what you need, and knowing how to lead yourself and others. It can reduce the likelihood of unnecessary error, struggle and pain. It helps you live what’s real, attend to what matters, and build genuine trust and strong relationships with others. When we’re rooted in what’s real and true, our lives are healthier, stronger, and more productive.
If you’re a leader or an adult professional who is newly diagnosed with ADHD and/or want support while getting to know yourself again through an ADHD lens, I hope some of this has resonated for you, and if so, I’d love to connect and see how I can help! I’m currently accepting new clients for ADHD coaching. To learn more and see if we’d be a good fit, you can check out my website and schedule a free discovery session with me here: https://www.juliariceandco.com/.
